story - part 31 - linger - 1080 words

I look up to find that Calidris has stayed behind, that she is still leaned back in her chair, staring at the King's sheet of paper. There is something about her, something upset, pale and frustrated. I wonder if they blamed her for this, for the mere sake of a scapegoat, or if she defended me. I wish I could have heard them fighting, discussing, deciding my fate. It would be nice to know who stands where and who I can turn to.

We do not speak, at first. We merely sit in similar slumped positions, fighting with emotions and uncertainties, trying to figure out where we should go from here. Both of our lives have been turned upside down, I understand that. I am used to it, but she is not. it is possible that nothing has ever changed for her, before, she does not know how to deal with this.

I cannot take the silence and the distance anymore. I finally drag myself up to stand, pick my way across the room to perch on a chair beside her. I have ruined things for her, it is my fault that she no longer is free and privileged, lacking responsibilities. I feel like I have stolen something away, and now she looks so young and so small.

She starts as I settle a timid hand over hers, her head jerking up to blink at me. There is something torn about her expression, she is at least as frustrated as I am. And I am taken aback at the flicker of guilt in her eyes, the apologetic edge in the tiny smile that creeps across her face.

"This is my fault, I should have let you keep out of sight, I should not have dragged you out into the open." Stealing the apology away from me. I do not know how to respond to that, other than an awkward pat to the back of her hand, a slight shake of my head. I fumble for words, something reassuring - but there is that small part of me that would like to believe her and place the blame elsewhere, I do not want to take responsibility.

After a moment, her head drops again, she begins to shift away from me. Perhaps to slither outside, to escape from this mess, to pretend that everything is normal and that nothing has changed. I do not just let her go; my hand tightens about hers, I pull her back down into the chair, leaning in and tilting my head so that I can meet her eyes.

"There is no fault. Things turned out the way they were meant to turn out, there were too many circumstances to blame one person. Perhaps I should not have hidden, Tumaire should not have allowed his temper to get the best of him, I should not have gone along quietly with everything you said just because you seemed to care, and had a pretty smile." Words escaping before I can stop them. I do not even realize what I have said until a split second later, when I notice the hint of a blush on her cheeks, the curious way she relaxes into her chair.

There is a slight shifting of hand under mine, a delicate little gesture. Smooth, slim fingers tangle in with mine, her other hand coming to rest lightly against my knuckles, an electric little touch. I have won another smile, something less apologetic and sweeter. I do not know what to make of her expression, or the way she shifts in her chair, inches fractionally closer.

"It is not that bad. Things will be alright. This just means that some of my time is devoted to keeping an eye on you, and I was already doing that, was I not?" Her fingers slowly kicking into motion, tracing absentminded shapes against the back of my arm and across the inside of my wrist. I can feel that shiver of fingertips, it is distracting, I can only nod my response.

"If we just ignore that this is an order, and instead...it will be fine. Everything is alright. Neither of us has lost anything." Sliding in her chair again as she speaks, voice softer and more distant. Her knee bumps against mine, we are huddled close together. Both of us are tense again, my heart has settled into a dull pound.

"And I believe they will be putting you in the room next to mine, it is nicer than where you have been living." Almost sighing now, her voice faded out into a murmur, a whisper. She is very close now, I can feel her breathing and escaped strands of red hair tickle against my cheek. This close, I can see just how brightly green her eyes are, pick out the tiny flecks of gold.

I am not sure exactly who moves, who closes the rest of that distance, but abruptly her lips are against mine, one of her hands coming up to rest against my cheek. She is timid, nervous, it is a tiny and chaste kiss that ends as quickly as it began. We linger, faces half an inch away, to catch our breaths. I am nearly thirty, but this is my first kiss.

We are both waiting expectantly for the other to react, unsure if this is right, if we have ruined something. But when neither of us jerks away or breaks contact, when she does not seem disgusted or frustrated, I lean in for another. I let my hand wander to brush against her hip, let this linger a hair longer, making certain that it was not a fluke or an accident.

When I finally pull away, fingers trembling and breath shuddering, a smile spreads across her face again, green eyes crack open to peer up at me. It is content and sweet, there is no anger or accusation in her face. Palm smooths across my cheek, fingertips brushing under my lip before she drops her hand into her lap.

"We should go find your rooms, and...and not keep people waiting. I believe Rallus is supposed to give us direction, and I do not think he would appreciate having to wait." Rising to stand in one smooth motion. Her fingers are still entwined with mine, gently she pulled me up to my feet and leads me toward the door. Things do not seem nearly as bad as they did ten minutes ago.